"What did she say this time?"
"How did you-"
"It's always your mother, and I always
know. Now tell me."
"…"
"I'm not going to ask you again. Just tell
me."
"She…said that I can't draw. I can't sing.
I can't act. I can't do anything and I
never shall- You're laughing."
"I'm sorry. Certain phrases make me
want to laugh. 'I can't' is one of them."
"I'm glad you find my grief so amusing."
"Look, you need to understand
something. The word 'can't' is going to follow you around for the rest of your
life. History is filled with people who were
told they 'can't' do something. You
know what makes them special?" "What?"
"They did it anyway."
"Pure and simple huh? Just like that?" "The truth is never pure and always
complicated. But yes. Just like that." "There is always someone telling me I'm not good enough."
"And there will always be someone telling you that you aren't good enough. You
have two choices. You can curl up and
stop doing everything you love. You can
let the world tear you down. Fall apart
into a million pieces."
"Or?"
"Or you can stand up and fight. Fight
against everyone who says you cannot
do something. Teach them a lesson!" "I don't see how that will help." "Because you need to go after what you love with a vengeance. Love it, worship
it, want it like a wanton lover who is
completely insatiable, but please, for the
love of all that is holy, don't ever, ever
give up on it."
"Oh come on...how many people do you know who have had their dreams come true?"
"Yes, dreams don't come true easily. You have to go after them with a hammer and a first aid kit for the broken hearts you will suffer on the way. But it will all be worth
it when they all come true."
"And what happens if I do find my
dream?"
"That's the best bit."
"Why?"
"Because that's when I'll take your
hand... and we'll build you a whole new dream to chase."
Sunday 4 September 2011
Thursday 18 August 2011
I'm not a writer
I do not know how to write. I do now understand the concepts and
the themes; words are just shapes
pressed together in an attempt to say
what my tongue cannot and the
phrases are already so clogged in my
throat that i am a champagne bottle with all the fizz and none of the pleasure. ink
stains and pencil smears
and typewriters break so that i am left
with nothing but ripped shards of paper
falling around my elbows and piling
around my feet in an attempt to sculpt meaning out of the absence of what i
was meant to fill. You see, writers know the way to
phrase and they know the brush they
have in their hand. it is careful and
planned and the art is in the crafting
and the hours of sweat that is put into
every syllable. it is a labor of love and loving labor and when the final
punctuation is added, there is not a
comma or curvature of letter that has
not been pampered and ushered into
final resting place. I, however, do not know how to write. No, instead i know how to spit up
memories and emotions until they are
spilled on the paper and bleeding
through the novel's back cover. you
see, i am nothing but a hurricane; i am
tearing off the roofs of the houses in my imagination to see how the final product
will look when smeared across the sky. i
am clicking open my chest a rib at a
time, dipping my fingers into the
canyons and letting the excess drip over
the ground; look and tell me what you see. stare and show me what it means
to you. I am not careful - my words are
neglected and abused. my works are
never final, but are rather bruised and
aching and always ready to be shoved
into the corner for the latest mess to be
placed on center stage. they are not polished and if you try to hold them,
you will only cut your fingertips in the
process. they are sharp and jagged and
living entities that bite those that get to
close. they aren't meant to be
examined, rather only experienced and when the fading howls have subsided,
you are meant to only think about the
way your pulse looped faster or the way
the incoherent made your thoughts spin
and swirl and fade together like the final
thunderclap over the distant ridge. I am not a writer; i am an assassin armed
with words. i am a natural disaster
rooted in phrases. my broadsword drips
ink and my incisors are ripping into the
jugular of thoughts. i kill with sentences
and disarm with paragraphs. i fire verses that i call poetry like machine gun fire
from between my teeth and hope that
somewhere within the bullet spray that i
struck a nerve. that perhaps in the
slashing of the blade that i am able to
cut some sense into the nonsense pooling from my tongue and onto the
paper so that i can rearrange these
sounds and convince the unbelieving that
i am indeed a writer.
the themes; words are just shapes
pressed together in an attempt to say
what my tongue cannot and the
phrases are already so clogged in my
throat that i am a champagne bottle with all the fizz and none of the pleasure. ink
stains and pencil smears
and typewriters break so that i am left
with nothing but ripped shards of paper
falling around my elbows and piling
around my feet in an attempt to sculpt meaning out of the absence of what i
was meant to fill. You see, writers know the way to
phrase and they know the brush they
have in their hand. it is careful and
planned and the art is in the crafting
and the hours of sweat that is put into
every syllable. it is a labor of love and loving labor and when the final
punctuation is added, there is not a
comma or curvature of letter that has
not been pampered and ushered into
final resting place. I, however, do not know how to write. No, instead i know how to spit up
memories and emotions until they are
spilled on the paper and bleeding
through the novel's back cover. you
see, i am nothing but a hurricane; i am
tearing off the roofs of the houses in my imagination to see how the final product
will look when smeared across the sky. i
am clicking open my chest a rib at a
time, dipping my fingers into the
canyons and letting the excess drip over
the ground; look and tell me what you see. stare and show me what it means
to you. I am not careful - my words are
neglected and abused. my works are
never final, but are rather bruised and
aching and always ready to be shoved
into the corner for the latest mess to be
placed on center stage. they are not polished and if you try to hold them,
you will only cut your fingertips in the
process. they are sharp and jagged and
living entities that bite those that get to
close. they aren't meant to be
examined, rather only experienced and when the fading howls have subsided,
you are meant to only think about the
way your pulse looped faster or the way
the incoherent made your thoughts spin
and swirl and fade together like the final
thunderclap over the distant ridge. I am not a writer; i am an assassin armed
with words. i am a natural disaster
rooted in phrases. my broadsword drips
ink and my incisors are ripping into the
jugular of thoughts. i kill with sentences
and disarm with paragraphs. i fire verses that i call poetry like machine gun fire
from between my teeth and hope that
somewhere within the bullet spray that i
struck a nerve. that perhaps in the
slashing of the blade that i am able to
cut some sense into the nonsense pooling from my tongue and onto the
paper so that i can rearrange these
sounds and convince the unbelieving that
i am indeed a writer.
Wednesday 17 August 2011
Insane
I talk to myself constantly,
But I don't really talk about it.
People would call me insane. My best
friend is a piece of paper;
My lover,my iPaq.
People are obviously aware of that. Lord knows they think I'm insane.
I ask far too many questions.
For that, I am simply inane.
Little do my critics know,
All I'm trying to do
Is keep my demons at bay. Little do they know,
I think THEY'RE insane
For telling me how to act,
How to love,
How to dress,
How to talk, How to intake a simple breath of air.
Little do they know,
I'd like to tie them to a bed of nails
And scream and shout about their
insanity
Until my voice is no more than a whisper. Because it truly is insanity.
Beautiful boys
And handsome girls,
Dying everyday
At the hand of their own subconscious
Because they weren't good enough for you.
Too skinny.
Too fat.
Too pretty.
Fugly.
Or, God forbid, Gay.
Insanity is that they wasted
The short time they spent 'living,'
Trying to please you. You,
The insane,
The true "bitches," The true "sluts,"
The true "faggots,"
The true "sinners." The insane. What's
insane?
The fact that half of the people
Spreading this message Are too insane
For their own good.
So, I may talk to myself,
I may be antisocial,
And I may be a waste of your time.
In fact, I am. But, I refuse to hate.
I refuse to hurt. I refuse to be insane.
But I don't really talk about it.
People would call me insane. My best
friend is a piece of paper;
My lover,my iPaq.
People are obviously aware of that. Lord knows they think I'm insane.
I ask far too many questions.
For that, I am simply inane.
Little do my critics know,
All I'm trying to do
Is keep my demons at bay. Little do they know,
I think THEY'RE insane
For telling me how to act,
How to love,
How to dress,
How to talk, How to intake a simple breath of air.
Little do they know,
I'd like to tie them to a bed of nails
And scream and shout about their
insanity
Until my voice is no more than a whisper. Because it truly is insanity.
Beautiful boys
And handsome girls,
Dying everyday
At the hand of their own subconscious
Because they weren't good enough for you.
Too skinny.
Too fat.
Too pretty.
Fugly.
Or, God forbid, Gay.
Insanity is that they wasted
The short time they spent 'living,'
Trying to please you. You,
The insane,
The true "bitches," The true "sluts,"
The true "faggots,"
The true "sinners." The insane. What's
insane?
The fact that half of the people
Spreading this message Are too insane
For their own good.
So, I may talk to myself,
I may be antisocial,
And I may be a waste of your time.
In fact, I am. But, I refuse to hate.
I refuse to hurt. I refuse to be insane.
Monday 30 May 2011
Haunted
Ghosts are burning the edge of my
vision. i can feel the way they crowd and
jumble, the way their fingers are pulling
sticky fingers against my sanity and
dragging me further and further into the
rabbit hole of my insecurity. i can see
them in the shadows at the base of my eyelids and feel their voices in the
spaces between my vertebrae. they call
me when i'm awake and they scream
when i'm asleep and i claw at my face
and i pull at my skin, but they burrow
deeper and deeper still. they quiet and stagnate, yet i can feel
them in the dust that my feet unsettle
as i walk forward. their faces are
persistent and their mouths gaping open
with the scent of decay bound like a
cord around their flapping tongues. they are silent and knowing, touching my
inner demons with a violating hand. they
nod, they smile; they are smug. i hate
them for this. they see the way my
heart quivers in my chest and they
stroke the trembling bones that it clacks against. they crack the silence and
whisper, tell me of sweaty nights and
whispered words of passion. they tell
me of possessive fingers and pleading
hips, and murmured words of forever in
the arch where throat kisses sloping shoulder. they tell me of how stars
burned for them like midnight oil, how
passion arched over arched spines and
the way they made pulses thicken and
slow. how desires that deep may sail
where they please, but always return to where they anchored first. they tell me that nothing lasts forever
except yesterday. and this is when i run, and scramble, and
fall to scraped-up knees and yet do not
stop. this is when i dive into a vehicle
entrenched in dust and spin rubber
against asphalt. the ghosts, they pound
against my windows and they scream in time with the wind. my pulse hammers
and the wheel leaps in my hand. my
palms are slick with fear, my back
drenched with doubt. i break my
mirrors, i blow my speakers, i run from
them, but i am naught but a moth in a thunderstorm. passing headlights look like
fallen stars. i am entranced by their light.
death looks like constellations hovering
above the two-lane highway. they are in
my lane, i am in theirs. ghosts are
whipping around my fenders and seeping under my hood. they are
screaming, but it's my throat that is raw. [falling stars taste like metal on my
tongue; passing galaxies feel like
shattered shrapnel in my chest. i am
laying on the asphalt next to my imaginary burning
car and the chipped-paint meteorite.
they are touching my cheek, my hand, the hole gaping by my sternum, they
are brushing matted dreads from my face. i
can see their mouths moving, i can see
their eyes rolling back into their heads, i
can see their bones jutting through
their flesh. i see the whites of their eyes and the past replayed in static. i see
projections that i cannot outrun in the
chapped skin of their lips. i was
screaming; now i can't stop hearing her screaming.
vision. i can feel the way they crowd and
jumble, the way their fingers are pulling
sticky fingers against my sanity and
dragging me further and further into the
rabbit hole of my insecurity. i can see
them in the shadows at the base of my eyelids and feel their voices in the
spaces between my vertebrae. they call
me when i'm awake and they scream
when i'm asleep and i claw at my face
and i pull at my skin, but they burrow
deeper and deeper still. they quiet and stagnate, yet i can feel
them in the dust that my feet unsettle
as i walk forward. their faces are
persistent and their mouths gaping open
with the scent of decay bound like a
cord around their flapping tongues. they are silent and knowing, touching my
inner demons with a violating hand. they
nod, they smile; they are smug. i hate
them for this. they see the way my
heart quivers in my chest and they
stroke the trembling bones that it clacks against. they crack the silence and
whisper, tell me of sweaty nights and
whispered words of passion. they tell
me of possessive fingers and pleading
hips, and murmured words of forever in
the arch where throat kisses sloping shoulder. they tell me of how stars
burned for them like midnight oil, how
passion arched over arched spines and
the way they made pulses thicken and
slow. how desires that deep may sail
where they please, but always return to where they anchored first. they tell me that nothing lasts forever
except yesterday. and this is when i run, and scramble, and
fall to scraped-up knees and yet do not
stop. this is when i dive into a vehicle
entrenched in dust and spin rubber
against asphalt. the ghosts, they pound
against my windows and they scream in time with the wind. my pulse hammers
and the wheel leaps in my hand. my
palms are slick with fear, my back
drenched with doubt. i break my
mirrors, i blow my speakers, i run from
them, but i am naught but a moth in a thunderstorm. passing headlights look like
fallen stars. i am entranced by their light.
death looks like constellations hovering
above the two-lane highway. they are in
my lane, i am in theirs. ghosts are
whipping around my fenders and seeping under my hood. they are
screaming, but it's my throat that is raw. [falling stars taste like metal on my
tongue; passing galaxies feel like
shattered shrapnel in my chest. i am
laying on the asphalt next to my imaginary burning
car and the chipped-paint meteorite.
they are touching my cheek, my hand, the hole gaping by my sternum, they
are brushing matted dreads from my face. i
can see their mouths moving, i can see
their eyes rolling back into their heads, i
can see their bones jutting through
their flesh. i see the whites of their eyes and the past replayed in static. i see
projections that i cannot outrun in the
chapped skin of their lips. i was
screaming; now i can't stop hearing her screaming.
Monday 23 May 2011
Scene 1
Pt.1
He stands there, dripping, with his head tipped down just abit.Kiasi tu, but hoping that this slight tilting forward of his eyes will prove that he is sorry. Very sorry. Repentant.
"Nishow tena, " she says, after studying him. Watching.
"What, about before?"
"Yes, that. Please."
"Well, see, we, umm.." He creeps forward cautiously with this next thought.True, she seems less hysterical now, ready to listen, but utajuaje? "....the two of us had met before."
"Before?"
"Azin..before we met." He thinks about this for a moment, about the genesis of the thing. "From before we,you & I, knew one another."
"Eeh???"
"Yeah. We went to Campo pamoja and.."
"Oh, so u were in school together?"
"Zii..zii..not together. It was in Chiromo, but not overlapping or anything.No, actually ran into each other in Main Campus..during this friendly 7's aside game of alumni at the pitch."
"Quaint."
"Which is kind of funny..."
"Why?Why is that funny?"
"Coz, it's u know..UoN."
"Uh-huh."
"And that's where we went to school, too.UoN, I mean.In Chiromo. Because Chiromo is in..."
"Yeah, UoN. Nimeget, " she says, without changing expressions. "Ni vile tu haijanibamba.Ata kiasi."
"Poa," he acknowledges, then moves ahead.
"Anyway, that's where we were, over by the rudge pitch, and, drinks...moja-mbili, u know, and we hung out a few times or whatever."
"I think they still call it 'Dating' in the 254."
"No....it wasn't a 'thing'!!We din't date or anything, we just-..."
"Slept together"
"...something like that." He falters a bit but ploughs on, spitting out the truth.Well, part of it anyway. "Yeah, this one time we did, yes. Do that, I mean. Not sleeping together, though, just some sex stuff. Sort of. But it was nothing..."
"So that makes it all right, then... What I saw."
"No, not all right, i'm not saying that, I just mean..."
He considers where to go next, what minefields to avoid and which to blunder off into. "Hell, I dunno, just that there's some background there. A shared background between us."
"Ooh.Poa." She responds quickly in small staccato bursts of language, rather than thinking through her next sentence. "Nimeget. I do. Really. I do get it."
"So, it's not like, I mean...a 'fling' or anything."
"It isn't?!"
"OK, sawa basi, a fling, but.... A fling with qualifiers. With history." He throws the last part in for a ka-effect, the history bit, but hoping it sticks somehow.
"Haukunishow lakini.About this 'history' of yours, I mean.All this time...natsing."
"No, I didn't do that."
"Why?"
"I thought I wouldn't,you know.."
"Uh-uh, no, I don't know.What?" Then she realises.
"Get caught?"
"Zii.." He stutters twice before saying, "B-b-be understood."
"You're damn right.U wouldn't b-b-be," she says obvoiusly mocking him.
"Unaona?"
"But that shouldn't have stopped u from telling me!Ai!"
She says this louder than she means to, but it's out now. Hangs in the air kidogo, her dark cloud of disbelief, then drifts off.
"What was I gonna say?"
"I don't know, it's not really my moral dilemma is it?
"It's not a..." He thinks carefully now, a misstep here could be hula.There's definitely some sort of morality involved in having sex with your neighbours, he muses. "...OK,yeah, it is, like a moral thing, but I think we can still.."
"Still what? What?!" She stops for a moment, stops loading clothes into her Kiko Romeo bag and turns to him. Faces him directly. "I'd love to hear how that sentence ends. Tell me."
"...work something out? Or.." He tries to hold her gaze but can't. If he wasn't wearing swim trunks he might have had a fighting chance, but standing there in a moist orange suit..it's just not Safaricom(the Better Option)lol
He looks away and out a window, catching a hint of the dinner next door.Their place. The neighbours'.
"You think we should work it out,eh? That's what u think?"
"I think tunaeza try."
"Try what, talking? Just like talking, you and me?
"Eeeh.Io inaweza kuwa.."
"Na therapy?" she challenges back."Or how about sharing, the two of us and the two of them? The four of us could swing on various nights, try new stingoz. How's that sound?" She studies him kidogo but can't meet his eyes. "Noma sana...ama? I mean, if you're not too possessive, that is. Then once tumegawana watoi we'll all be one big, happy family!!"
"If we can't talk about this like adults, then afadhali.."
"Adults? Oh,you wanna talk like AD-ULTS, that's what u want?"
"It's why I came back here, yes."
"No. U came back coz this is your house, OK, this is your home. Where you LIVE!!" She throws a handful of perfumes in ontop of her blouses, the bottles clinking dully together in the sea of fabric. The sound isn't very impressive, not as resounding as she'd hoped for, but she'd needed to pack them anyway.
"What'd you think, you could just live in the pool house there, set up a little place for yourselves or something?" "No. Of course not."
"Then what?"
"Look, enyewe seriously, I don't know what you think you saw . . ."
"Nkt!Oh, please, come on . . ."
"No, seriously, what? We weren't ..." "Your trunks were down, all right?" "They weren't . . ." He doesn't finish this because she moves toward him now. Quickly across the room to challenge what he'll say next.
"Sawa, whatever. You know what you know."
"Nooo...not whatever. I saw you...azin so clearly, your trunks around your knees and your bony black ass pointed right at me. Your back was toward the door and your thingy was . . . do you really wanna hear more?"
". . . no."
"I saw it out. I did."
"Not out, no, it was just caught in my . . ." He tries to mime an explanation but a wagging finger from her stops him cold.
"When you turned, surprised by the door and turning quickly, I know I saw your . . . thing . . . dangling. It got tangled in your mesh, there in the white mesh when you tried to hide it away. I know what I'm saying . . ." "But . . .we knew each other in Campo . . .!"
"What does that mean?! You keep saying that but it doesn't seem to mean anything. Lots of people know each other around, but that doesn't mean they're all doing it. Does it?" "No, but, see . . .we went to the same Uni and we got talking one time, we had a lot to drink and we just . . . it wasn't like this big thing."
"Ulinshow hivyo?"
"No."
"They've been moved in there, next door, in their time-share for three weeks. A month maybe. Since . . .nini...Labour day.."
"I was going to say something . . ." "But you decided to keep it all to yourself, huh?"
"No! God, you're so . . .we were both nervous about it. I mean, embarrassed."
"Obviously . . ."
"We were! When they introduced themselves that first day, out there by the pavement, I could hardly look up.."
"Or just now . . ."
"That's what I'm saying . . ."
". . . of course, you were a little busy."
"Stop! Jesus, let me at least tell my side of it."
"Please . . . go ahead."
"So, you know . . .if you don't take that moment, I mean, that first moment there and tell the truth, basi you're stuck. You are."
"Like your thing in the mesh . . ."
"Eeeh...A little, yes . . ." He wants to smile, since that was pretty funny, especially for her, but he can't risk it. Not right now. It might not have been a joke. Instead, he offers, "Kind of like that. Uh- huh."
"And since you didn't tell me that day, you just figured this tiny detail was no big thing. I mean, not a real problem for us . . .is that kind of what you're saying?"
"Sort of . . ."
"Huh."
"What's that mean?"
"Just 'huh,' no other real meaning to it . . ." Her head cocks a touch now, slightly to one side as she studies him. Glancing at his eyes but then down, to settle at crotch level. Holding this look for quite some time. He shifts from one bare foot to the other.
"What're you doing?"
"Nothing."
"No, seriously, what?"
"Just imagining . . ."
"Imagining?" He waits for her next volley, stepping off the wet spot he's created and involuntarily moving away from her. She takes her time. "Imagining what it'd be like for your son to walk into that shed. Looking for, oh, I dunno, some diving goggles or an inner tube or who knows what, and see that. What I saw . . ."
"What? We knew each other in Chiromo . . ."
"Stop saying that! " She glares at him, obviously conjuring up a picture. "How would it be for him to see your . . .cock —there, do you like that better? You're always wanting me to talk dirty, does that sound better?—to see his daddy's cock out and . . ."
"We were just talking . . ."
"Please don't do that! Usi-assume I've been nearsighted all these years on top of being a dwanzi. . ."
". . . it was this boys versus girls touch...err..touch rugby..game we were in, that's where we first . . ."
"Would you like it, if he saw that?" "No."
"You wouldn't?"
"Of course not. . ."
"Well, that's something . . ."
"But I wouldn't . . . and I'm not trying to start anything here . . .no offense, but I wouldn't want him to see it in anyone's mouth. I mean, ata yako" He almost grimaces after that one, not sure he didn't just step into some abyss.
"Then perhaps you should stop sticking it in people's mouths . . . shouldn't you?"
". . . yeah. I mean, yes, you're right." That's the least he can say. She does have a point there, albeit a fairly simple mathematical one.
"So, it was in, then?" She waits.
". . . what?"
"You had your thing out and in . . ." "Yes." Better to cut his losses now, mercy of the court and all that. "I did, yes, for just, like, a second. A moment is all. Honestly."
"Oh."
"Aki . . ."
"Because I couldn't really see . . .my eyes hadn't adjusted. I was pretty sure that's what was happening there, with the two of you, but I wasn't completely. Certain, I mean. Because of the dark. But, hey, now I know . . ." She smiles weakly, finally matching one of his more pathetic grins at the same instant. "I only went in there looking for their tiki torches. They told me we could use them for the barbecue on Saturday. That's why I . . .anyway . . ."
"Listen, we were just . . ."
"Right."
"You know?"
"Yeah, UoN, I know . . ."
"Exactly."
"The big game and all."
"Yep . . ." He fixates on a framed picture for a moment, drifting. A Dinesh print of someone sitting in a room somewhere. Alone. Lucky bastard, he thinks to himself.
"I see."
". . . I mean, you're in the 254, right? And you run into a bunch of folks from home, you know, men and women out there on the grass having fun, and you just sort of get caught up in the thing . . .few beers . . .I can't really explain it better than that . . ." He tries to, though, for a minute at least, his mouth searching for a more perfect phrase. It doesn't come. "OK."
"Does that make any sense?"
"No, none." She shrugs, unwilling to say more.
"Oh . . ."
"But I understand. I understand that it makes sense to you . . . somehow." "It does. I know it sounds wobbly, but . . .'
"And since it does, make sense, I mean, you'll need to explain it to them . . ."
"Who?"
"The children."
". . . what do you mean?"
"You're going to need to sit them down —they're back from swimming in forty minutes—and you'll need to walk them through this as best you can."
"No, I can't . . .what?"
"Naishia, in short. You'll need to come up with something for that. Tell them the rest if you want to, but you have to explain where I've gone."
"Sa..unaenda wapi . . .?"
"Coasto, I suppose. Meanwhile, anyway. I need to call my sister, and the lawyers, no doubt." She seems to tower over him at this moment, although she is only five feet three and not wearing heels, not even the ones he'd bought her at that Ivory store on the way in.
"I need to handle a few things.
"I can't tell them that! Manzee, they're only . . ."
"What, children?"
"Eeeh."
"Children bounce back. They do, that's their lot in life."
"Wait . . ."
"You explain things and on Saturday we'll get them on a bus,wanifuate, and they'll be out of your hair." She smiles some inner smile at this. "Then you can go back over the fence . . ."
"Siezi."
"Then don't."
"I want to . . .I mean, I'd like to, I'd really like to see if we could . . ." "What?" She waits for him to finish but he only repeats the previous phrases over and over. Trying to jumpstart a solution but never getting past the opening. Finally, she picks up her bag, tests the weight of it, then moves toward the door. He doesn't stop her.
"Do you want me to carry that down or . . .?"
"No, no, it's fine. You've done enough, believe me . . ."
"I love you guys. I do." He didn't want to have to pull that one out, not at this late date but he goes for it. Pitches the love thing out there like a final horseshoe.
"Well, that's something you can hang on to, isn't it? You can tell the kids that, if it helps . . .tell them I love them, too."
"We were just talking . . .we spent time on the same campus, for Chrissakes!"
"Yeah, I caught that part . . ."
"We did . . ."
"Najua."
"And we had some . . ."
"When did you become so pathetic?" This isn't meant to be rhetorical.
". . . I'm not sure."
"Huh." She stands at the door now, flicking the light switch off more from habit than anything. He pulls his arms in and around his exposed upper body now, stands in the semidark staring at his departing wife. She starts down a step then turns back, rotates even, and comes into the room again.
"One more thing.Swali ya last . . ."
"Yes?"
"Just one."
"OK."
"What position did he play?"
"Huh?"
"Our neighbor . . .the guy who was sucking your dick." This is new for her, this strong language thing, and she seems to be enjoying it. "When you met him, what position was he playing?"
"Oh . . . Hooker. He was their Hooker."
". . . I see." A pause, then a slight smile from her in the gloom.
"You do?"
"Nimeget . . ."
"Umeget nini?"
"The significance of it all."
"What do you mean?"
"Come on, he's the Hooker . . .you don't know anyone, you're lonely, it's not ur campo, this guy's kneeling at your feet, you've got your nice, firm hanger there. . .I get it. It's symbolic . . ."
"No, come on . . ." He hesitates now, unsure about her. Is she being ironic? "We were just . . ."
"What? You what?eh?"
"It . . .it was an experiment, that's all. Just . . . guy stuff. Kind of, like, you know . . ."
"No, you're right. It happens. It does. In 'Chiromo,' anyway . . .as u'd say ama?"
"We were only . . .see, I met him before we, I mean, you and me . . ." ". . . I hope you're very happy." Before he can say anything else she is gone, the door clicking shut downstairs a moment later. Normally, he would follow her, do the dramatic run down the stage, but he's got the swimsuit on and it would just look ridiculous now. He's sure of that. No, better to talk tomorrow, let things cool down a bit. Take care of the kids, maybe get a large pizza from Pizza Inn and watch a movie. Face the rest of it in the morning. Yes. That's it. "It's OK, it is, iko Sawaa, this is gonna be . . .anaku Shapre. Things'll be fine. It's . . . OK, this is all S-A-U-W-A-A . . ." He says this aloud but more to himself than anything, a kind of masculine mantra as he strips off his damp trunks. He shivers slightly, then begins to wander around the room naked, hunting down a pair of discarded Levi's in the oncoming twilight.
He stands there, dripping, with his head tipped down just abit.Kiasi tu, but hoping that this slight tilting forward of his eyes will prove that he is sorry. Very sorry. Repentant.
"Nishow tena, " she says, after studying him. Watching.
"What, about before?"
"Yes, that. Please."
"Well, see, we, umm.." He creeps forward cautiously with this next thought.True, she seems less hysterical now, ready to listen, but utajuaje? "....the two of us had met before."
"Before?"
"Azin..before we met." He thinks about this for a moment, about the genesis of the thing. "From before we,you & I, knew one another."
"Eeh???"
"Yeah. We went to Campo pamoja and.."
"Oh, so u were in school together?"
"Zii..zii..not together. It was in Chiromo, but not overlapping or anything.No, actually ran into each other in Main Campus..during this friendly 7's aside game of alumni at the pitch."
"Quaint."
"Which is kind of funny..."
"Why?Why is that funny?"
"Coz, it's u know..UoN."
"Uh-huh."
"And that's where we went to school, too.UoN, I mean.In Chiromo. Because Chiromo is in..."
"Yeah, UoN. Nimeget, " she says, without changing expressions. "Ni vile tu haijanibamba.Ata kiasi."
"Poa," he acknowledges, then moves ahead.
"Anyway, that's where we were, over by the rudge pitch, and, drinks...moja-mbili, u know, and we hung out a few times or whatever."
"I think they still call it 'Dating' in the 254."
"No....it wasn't a 'thing'!!We din't date or anything, we just-..."
"Slept together"
"...something like that." He falters a bit but ploughs on, spitting out the truth.Well, part of it anyway. "Yeah, this one time we did, yes. Do that, I mean. Not sleeping together, though, just some sex stuff. Sort of. But it was nothing..."
"So that makes it all right, then... What I saw."
"No, not all right, i'm not saying that, I just mean..."
He considers where to go next, what minefields to avoid and which to blunder off into. "Hell, I dunno, just that there's some background there. A shared background between us."
"Ooh.Poa." She responds quickly in small staccato bursts of language, rather than thinking through her next sentence. "Nimeget. I do. Really. I do get it."
"So, it's not like, I mean...a 'fling' or anything."
"It isn't?!"
"OK, sawa basi, a fling, but.... A fling with qualifiers. With history." He throws the last part in for a ka-effect, the history bit, but hoping it sticks somehow.
"Haukunishow lakini.About this 'history' of yours, I mean.All this time...natsing."
"No, I didn't do that."
"Why?"
"I thought I wouldn't,you know.."
"Uh-uh, no, I don't know.What?" Then she realises.
"Get caught?"
"Zii.." He stutters twice before saying, "B-b-be understood."
"You're damn right.U wouldn't b-b-be," she says obvoiusly mocking him.
"Unaona?"
"But that shouldn't have stopped u from telling me!Ai!"
She says this louder than she means to, but it's out now. Hangs in the air kidogo, her dark cloud of disbelief, then drifts off.
"What was I gonna say?"
"I don't know, it's not really my moral dilemma is it?
"It's not a..." He thinks carefully now, a misstep here could be hula.There's definitely some sort of morality involved in having sex with your neighbours, he muses. "...OK,yeah, it is, like a moral thing, but I think we can still.."
"Still what? What?!" She stops for a moment, stops loading clothes into her Kiko Romeo bag and turns to him. Faces him directly. "I'd love to hear how that sentence ends. Tell me."
"...work something out? Or.." He tries to hold her gaze but can't. If he wasn't wearing swim trunks he might have had a fighting chance, but standing there in a moist orange suit..it's just not Safaricom(the Better Option)lol
He looks away and out a window, catching a hint of the dinner next door.Their place. The neighbours'.
"You think we should work it out,eh? That's what u think?"
"I think tunaeza try."
"Try what, talking? Just like talking, you and me?
"Eeeh.Io inaweza kuwa.."
"Na therapy?" she challenges back."Or how about sharing, the two of us and the two of them? The four of us could swing on various nights, try new stingoz. How's that sound?" She studies him kidogo but can't meet his eyes. "Noma sana...ama? I mean, if you're not too possessive, that is. Then once tumegawana watoi we'll all be one big, happy family!!"
"If we can't talk about this like adults, then afadhali.."
"Adults? Oh,you wanna talk like AD-ULTS, that's what u want?"
"It's why I came back here, yes."
"No. U came back coz this is your house, OK, this is your home. Where you LIVE!!" She throws a handful of perfumes in ontop of her blouses, the bottles clinking dully together in the sea of fabric. The sound isn't very impressive, not as resounding as she'd hoped for, but she'd needed to pack them anyway.
"What'd you think, you could just live in the pool house there, set up a little place for yourselves or something?" "No. Of course not."
"Then what?"
"Look, enyewe seriously, I don't know what you think you saw . . ."
"Nkt!Oh, please, come on . . ."
"No, seriously, what? We weren't ..." "Your trunks were down, all right?" "They weren't . . ." He doesn't finish this because she moves toward him now. Quickly across the room to challenge what he'll say next.
"Sawa, whatever. You know what you know."
"Nooo...not whatever. I saw you...azin so clearly, your trunks around your knees and your bony black ass pointed right at me. Your back was toward the door and your thingy was . . . do you really wanna hear more?"
". . . no."
"I saw it out. I did."
"Not out, no, it was just caught in my . . ." He tries to mime an explanation but a wagging finger from her stops him cold.
"When you turned, surprised by the door and turning quickly, I know I saw your . . . thing . . . dangling. It got tangled in your mesh, there in the white mesh when you tried to hide it away. I know what I'm saying . . ." "But . . .we knew each other in Campo . . .!"
"What does that mean?! You keep saying that but it doesn't seem to mean anything. Lots of people know each other around, but that doesn't mean they're all doing it. Does it?" "No, but, see . . .we went to the same Uni and we got talking one time, we had a lot to drink and we just . . . it wasn't like this big thing."
"Ulinshow hivyo?"
"No."
"They've been moved in there, next door, in their time-share for three weeks. A month maybe. Since . . .nini...Labour day.."
"I was going to say something . . ." "But you decided to keep it all to yourself, huh?"
"No! God, you're so . . .we were both nervous about it. I mean, embarrassed."
"Obviously . . ."
"We were! When they introduced themselves that first day, out there by the pavement, I could hardly look up.."
"Or just now . . ."
"That's what I'm saying . . ."
". . . of course, you were a little busy."
"Stop! Jesus, let me at least tell my side of it."
"Please . . . go ahead."
"So, you know . . .if you don't take that moment, I mean, that first moment there and tell the truth, basi you're stuck. You are."
"Like your thing in the mesh . . ."
"Eeeh...A little, yes . . ." He wants to smile, since that was pretty funny, especially for her, but he can't risk it. Not right now. It might not have been a joke. Instead, he offers, "Kind of like that. Uh- huh."
"And since you didn't tell me that day, you just figured this tiny detail was no big thing. I mean, not a real problem for us . . .is that kind of what you're saying?"
"Sort of . . ."
"Huh."
"What's that mean?"
"Just 'huh,' no other real meaning to it . . ." Her head cocks a touch now, slightly to one side as she studies him. Glancing at his eyes but then down, to settle at crotch level. Holding this look for quite some time. He shifts from one bare foot to the other.
"What're you doing?"
"Nothing."
"No, seriously, what?"
"Just imagining . . ."
"Imagining?" He waits for her next volley, stepping off the wet spot he's created and involuntarily moving away from her. She takes her time. "Imagining what it'd be like for your son to walk into that shed. Looking for, oh, I dunno, some diving goggles or an inner tube or who knows what, and see that. What I saw . . ."
"What? We knew each other in Chiromo . . ."
"Stop saying that! " She glares at him, obviously conjuring up a picture. "How would it be for him to see your . . .cock —there, do you like that better? You're always wanting me to talk dirty, does that sound better?—to see his daddy's cock out and . . ."
"We were just talking . . ."
"Please don't do that! Usi-assume I've been nearsighted all these years on top of being a dwanzi. . ."
". . . it was this boys versus girls touch...err..touch rugby..game we were in, that's where we first . . ."
"Would you like it, if he saw that?" "No."
"You wouldn't?"
"Of course not. . ."
"Well, that's something . . ."
"But I wouldn't . . . and I'm not trying to start anything here . . .no offense, but I wouldn't want him to see it in anyone's mouth. I mean, ata yako" He almost grimaces after that one, not sure he didn't just step into some abyss.
"Then perhaps you should stop sticking it in people's mouths . . . shouldn't you?"
". . . yeah. I mean, yes, you're right." That's the least he can say. She does have a point there, albeit a fairly simple mathematical one.
"So, it was in, then?" She waits.
". . . what?"
"You had your thing out and in . . ." "Yes." Better to cut his losses now, mercy of the court and all that. "I did, yes, for just, like, a second. A moment is all. Honestly."
"Oh."
"Aki . . ."
"Because I couldn't really see . . .my eyes hadn't adjusted. I was pretty sure that's what was happening there, with the two of you, but I wasn't completely. Certain, I mean. Because of the dark. But, hey, now I know . . ." She smiles weakly, finally matching one of his more pathetic grins at the same instant. "I only went in there looking for their tiki torches. They told me we could use them for the barbecue on Saturday. That's why I . . .anyway . . ."
"Listen, we were just . . ."
"Right."
"You know?"
"Yeah, UoN, I know . . ."
"Exactly."
"The big game and all."
"Yep . . ." He fixates on a framed picture for a moment, drifting. A Dinesh print of someone sitting in a room somewhere. Alone. Lucky bastard, he thinks to himself.
"I see."
". . . I mean, you're in the 254, right? And you run into a bunch of folks from home, you know, men and women out there on the grass having fun, and you just sort of get caught up in the thing . . .few beers . . .I can't really explain it better than that . . ." He tries to, though, for a minute at least, his mouth searching for a more perfect phrase. It doesn't come. "OK."
"Does that make any sense?"
"No, none." She shrugs, unwilling to say more.
"Oh . . ."
"But I understand. I understand that it makes sense to you . . . somehow." "It does. I know it sounds wobbly, but . . .'
"And since it does, make sense, I mean, you'll need to explain it to them . . ."
"Who?"
"The children."
". . . what do you mean?"
"You're going to need to sit them down —they're back from swimming in forty minutes—and you'll need to walk them through this as best you can."
"No, I can't . . .what?"
"Naishia, in short. You'll need to come up with something for that. Tell them the rest if you want to, but you have to explain where I've gone."
"Sa..unaenda wapi . . .?"
"Coasto, I suppose. Meanwhile, anyway. I need to call my sister, and the lawyers, no doubt." She seems to tower over him at this moment, although she is only five feet three and not wearing heels, not even the ones he'd bought her at that Ivory store on the way in.
"I need to handle a few things.
"I can't tell them that! Manzee, they're only . . ."
"What, children?"
"Eeeh."
"Children bounce back. They do, that's their lot in life."
"Wait . . ."
"You explain things and on Saturday we'll get them on a bus,wanifuate, and they'll be out of your hair." She smiles some inner smile at this. "Then you can go back over the fence . . ."
"Siezi."
"Then don't."
"I want to . . .I mean, I'd like to, I'd really like to see if we could . . ." "What?" She waits for him to finish but he only repeats the previous phrases over and over. Trying to jumpstart a solution but never getting past the opening. Finally, she picks up her bag, tests the weight of it, then moves toward the door. He doesn't stop her.
"Do you want me to carry that down or . . .?"
"No, no, it's fine. You've done enough, believe me . . ."
"I love you guys. I do." He didn't want to have to pull that one out, not at this late date but he goes for it. Pitches the love thing out there like a final horseshoe.
"Well, that's something you can hang on to, isn't it? You can tell the kids that, if it helps . . .tell them I love them, too."
"We were just talking . . .we spent time on the same campus, for Chrissakes!"
"Yeah, I caught that part . . ."
"We did . . ."
"Najua."
"And we had some . . ."
"When did you become so pathetic?" This isn't meant to be rhetorical.
". . . I'm not sure."
"Huh." She stands at the door now, flicking the light switch off more from habit than anything. He pulls his arms in and around his exposed upper body now, stands in the semidark staring at his departing wife. She starts down a step then turns back, rotates even, and comes into the room again.
"One more thing.Swali ya last . . ."
"Yes?"
"Just one."
"OK."
"What position did he play?"
"Huh?"
"Our neighbor . . .the guy who was sucking your dick." This is new for her, this strong language thing, and she seems to be enjoying it. "When you met him, what position was he playing?"
"Oh . . . Hooker. He was their Hooker."
". . . I see." A pause, then a slight smile from her in the gloom.
"You do?"
"Nimeget . . ."
"Umeget nini?"
"The significance of it all."
"What do you mean?"
"Come on, he's the Hooker . . .you don't know anyone, you're lonely, it's not ur campo, this guy's kneeling at your feet, you've got your nice, firm hanger there. . .I get it. It's symbolic . . ."
"No, come on . . ." He hesitates now, unsure about her. Is she being ironic? "We were just . . ."
"What? You what?eh?"
"It . . .it was an experiment, that's all. Just . . . guy stuff. Kind of, like, you know . . ."
"No, you're right. It happens. It does. In 'Chiromo,' anyway . . .as u'd say ama?"
"We were only . . .see, I met him before we, I mean, you and me . . ." ". . . I hope you're very happy." Before he can say anything else she is gone, the door clicking shut downstairs a moment later. Normally, he would follow her, do the dramatic run down the stage, but he's got the swimsuit on and it would just look ridiculous now. He's sure of that. No, better to talk tomorrow, let things cool down a bit. Take care of the kids, maybe get a large pizza from Pizza Inn and watch a movie. Face the rest of it in the morning. Yes. That's it. "It's OK, it is, iko Sawaa, this is gonna be . . .anaku Shapre. Things'll be fine. It's . . . OK, this is all S-A-U-W-A-A . . ." He says this aloud but more to himself than anything, a kind of masculine mantra as he strips off his damp trunks. He shivers slightly, then begins to wander around the room naked, hunting down a pair of discarded Levi's in the oncoming twilight.
Sunday 22 May 2011
Know me
If you want to know me, you have to
read my words. you have to let yourself slip into the sometimes boiling water of my ideas and
let them blister and scar your skin. you
have to touch the angry wounds and
understand the serrated edges that
placed them there. you see, i am more than syllables and more than vowels, but
to understand the cracking of my spine,
you have to decipher the noise that it
makes on the way down. Using jus words I will bleed this complexity onto a page and dare you to fall in love with me.
i will sit in a pool of blood, bleeding ink
and i will curl my finger and invite you
into the chaos, down the rabbit hole. i
will stand in the middle of the madness, this wonderful terror that i have
released from the locked cage of my
chest and i will glory in it. i will lean my
head back and breathe in the wind and
the rain and the dirt that swirls around
my legs and up my thrashing torso. i will paint and draw and write and invite you
deeper into this wild, maniac world that i
have created with misplaced and clumsy
words. i will call myself handsome in the
ugliest way and show you my scars and
show you my flaws and dare you to fall in and burn yourself on my flames. i will
dare you to take my heat and swallow
my poison and live in my madness. and most of all, i will dare you to read
my words.
read my words and try to know me.
read my words. you have to let yourself slip into the sometimes boiling water of my ideas and
let them blister and scar your skin. you
have to touch the angry wounds and
understand the serrated edges that
placed them there. you see, i am more than syllables and more than vowels, but
to understand the cracking of my spine,
you have to decipher the noise that it
makes on the way down. Using jus words I will bleed this complexity onto a page and dare you to fall in love with me.
i will sit in a pool of blood, bleeding ink
and i will curl my finger and invite you
into the chaos, down the rabbit hole. i
will stand in the middle of the madness, this wonderful terror that i have
released from the locked cage of my
chest and i will glory in it. i will lean my
head back and breathe in the wind and
the rain and the dirt that swirls around
my legs and up my thrashing torso. i will paint and draw and write and invite you
deeper into this wild, maniac world that i
have created with misplaced and clumsy
words. i will call myself handsome in the
ugliest way and show you my scars and
show you my flaws and dare you to fall in and burn yourself on my flames. i will
dare you to take my heat and swallow
my poison and live in my madness. and most of all, i will dare you to read
my words.
read my words and try to know me.
Frozen emotion.
i never feel colder
than when i'm talking to you. i don't know what this says about us.
but i know that i worry about the way
you complicate something as simple as
the beating of my heart. i don't think
i love you. not yet. not since. not
ever but maybe that's just the strong sense of denial i've built up in the
past few months. i don't think i'll be
okay. not now. not really. not quite. maybe you were good for me once
but you're no good for me now. i often wonder what would happen if i
stopped speaking for awhile since all
my words ever do is make a mess out of
things that should be easy. the thing is
that when i'm happy i let myself write
a better story than what i have. i get carried away and i make believe myself
to be a more lovable character than i'll
ever be. but this isn't fiction and the
fact is sometimes all we get is one
perfect moment. my moment was you. but when it's over babe, it's over.
there are no chances left. not anymore. i don't really think i'm hopeless even
though most days, that's all i feel. i
can't get over this idea that has been
growing in my head. out of control and
straight from my heart that all of this
would be different if you met me before everything happened. but i know it's
not
true because that's not the guy i am
suppose to be. not the guy i can be.
but i second guess and imagine and
dream such stupid things that i'm not over it
yet. i'm not over this. i'm not. but i will be. someday. i can be better
than all of this. somehow. i promise.
than when i'm talking to you. i don't know what this says about us.
but i know that i worry about the way
you complicate something as simple as
the beating of my heart. i don't think
i love you. not yet. not since. not
ever but maybe that's just the strong sense of denial i've built up in the
past few months. i don't think i'll be
okay. not now. not really. not quite. maybe you were good for me once
but you're no good for me now. i often wonder what would happen if i
stopped speaking for awhile since all
my words ever do is make a mess out of
things that should be easy. the thing is
that when i'm happy i let myself write
a better story than what i have. i get carried away and i make believe myself
to be a more lovable character than i'll
ever be. but this isn't fiction and the
fact is sometimes all we get is one
perfect moment. my moment was you. but when it's over babe, it's over.
there are no chances left. not anymore. i don't really think i'm hopeless even
though most days, that's all i feel. i
can't get over this idea that has been
growing in my head. out of control and
straight from my heart that all of this
would be different if you met me before everything happened. but i know it's
not
true because that's not the guy i am
suppose to be. not the guy i can be.
but i second guess and imagine and
dream such stupid things that i'm not over it
yet. i'm not over this. i'm not. but i will be. someday. i can be better
than all of this. somehow. i promise.
Not being the music
I once kinda owned a guitar whose strings i couldn't play.
i'm ashamed of the way it harvested dust in the corner,
wishing to be in a spot warmer and
gentler to its glossed wood. However,my sister took it away.Today I stood, hands clasped behind my back, imagining the way slow notes
evolve into a track, a railway of sound
that can take me
somewhere other than the end of the
day. there is talking and then there is the way you make music with your lips; my
hands are on your hips and a slight cramp is in my wrists from
holding too tightly. you drop letters
lightly into the air, consonants and vowels barely there moving together, making words i've never heard before. this is the way your voice drugs me, hugs me
in y's and and i's, leaves me breathless for more. i'm quiet only when i sleep – there's a silence whose company i cannot keep
but always seem to need
and it's in dreams where my peace
seems to rest, broken at best. in the
morning the feeling leaves
and i'm left staring at the eaves outside my window, searching for a way to
make the pain go. i'm not meek, but for the life of me i
cannot speak – i get lost in my phrases, stumbling through them
like mazes with too many bends and no
visible end. you catch every fallen sigh
with trembling fingers
and the sting of that lingers; i hear you
through blocked ears, asking me to voice my fears like you
ask the ocean's waves to calm down
and behave. no matter what i choose, i lose; my life
is like a dance with fate, every chance i
take predicted,
scripted. you lean towards me, reaching
for me, but i'm always pulling away - a speechless man whose heart just won't stay.
i'm ashamed of the way it harvested dust in the corner,
wishing to be in a spot warmer and
gentler to its glossed wood. However,my sister took it away.Today I stood, hands clasped behind my back, imagining the way slow notes
evolve into a track, a railway of sound
that can take me
somewhere other than the end of the
day. there is talking and then there is the way you make music with your lips; my
hands are on your hips and a slight cramp is in my wrists from
holding too tightly. you drop letters
lightly into the air, consonants and vowels barely there moving together, making words i've never heard before. this is the way your voice drugs me, hugs me
in y's and and i's, leaves me breathless for more. i'm quiet only when i sleep – there's a silence whose company i cannot keep
but always seem to need
and it's in dreams where my peace
seems to rest, broken at best. in the
morning the feeling leaves
and i'm left staring at the eaves outside my window, searching for a way to
make the pain go. i'm not meek, but for the life of me i
cannot speak – i get lost in my phrases, stumbling through them
like mazes with too many bends and no
visible end. you catch every fallen sigh
with trembling fingers
and the sting of that lingers; i hear you
through blocked ears, asking me to voice my fears like you
ask the ocean's waves to calm down
and behave. no matter what i choose, i lose; my life
is like a dance with fate, every chance i
take predicted,
scripted. you lean towards me, reaching
for me, but i'm always pulling away - a speechless man whose heart just won't stay.
Monday 2 May 2011
Artistic moment
If I knew then what I knew now,
maybe I might have appreciated my
work a little more.
I always used to compare myself to
other artists that I would see, artists
much older than me, with the training and the experience I didn't have. It
didn't seem to matter to me where
they came from, just that they where
good, and I was not. If I had
understood at the time that someday,
with perseverance, study and practice, I too might be ask good as they, maybe I
might have worked a little harder,
studied a little more and not been so
down on myself. Now I look back on a lot
of the artists
who were my idols; their art saved to my ancient computer in my room at my
mom's house
for reference and inspiration. I realize;
they really weren't that good, some of
them were actually quite bad. At any
given time, even if your art sucks to you, or even thousands of other people,
it is amazing to someone and you are
inspiring someone else by sharing it with
them. If it seems like you are not
improving at
all, it is probably because you have stopped learning. When people draw
the same mistakes over and over, they
are simply practicing doing it wrong.
Simply "Practicing" is not enough. Take a
moment to study, learn to do it right,
even if it is hard, and messes you up now. It won't forever. This was a really
hard bridge to cross when I was young,
and stubborn, and lazy, and just wanted
to do what I felt like at the time. Now I
can't wait to learn and study something
new. This attitude and willingness to follow through has let me improve very
quickly in a relatively short period of time
for doing so. Just remember, nothing
happens overnight. It will always seem a
bit slow, but keep going, and don't be
afraid to look at your older works when you're having lows. You don't notice
your hair grow, but you can sure see
the difference if you look at pictures of
yourself months or years after your last
cut. No one stops improving for no
reason, do not accept "just because" as an answer. As soon as you accept a
perceived limitation as a fact of your
artistic life, it will become so. People often
tell me they can't get
better, that their art isn't changing, and
when I look at their stuff, I again see, not only that they might be practicing
the same mistakes, but that they are
simply practicing different variations of the
same thing. This may seem a bit
strange from someone who has made a
living doing portraits, but what a lot of people don't know is that this is a very
small part of who I am and what I do as
an artist. Do something new. Try a
different style. Try a subject you would
have never drawn before and learn to
appreciate something you might not have. Do you rely on your CG to make
your art look nice? Just sketch. Sketch
until your sketches please you just as
much. Just draw heads? Draw a full
body. Just draw people standing there?
Draw an action sequence. Swear to yourself that your next 10 drawings will
not be what your previous 50 were.
Finish something you might not finish
because it's just too hard, or learn to let
go of something you spent a lot of time
on that isn't going to work. Nothing is a waste of time, even if it ends up in your
trash bin, where 9 out of 10 of my
pictures go. Something people who are
not artists
don't understand, and even many
starting artists, is that art is not a 'gift'. People are no more born artists as they
are born Olympic gymnasts. It takes
years of time, dedication, study and hard
work. It takes mental focus,
toning, endurance, physical and mental
co-ordination, aim and understanding. I practice drawing a minimum of 5 hours a
day, every day, not including time to
study, wherever I am. Immediate
gratification is not a
reasonable expectation of a dedicated
artist. Art is not a competition. If all you do is work to please everyone else, you
will never achieve the gratification and
inspiration it gives to those who do art
because they love to do it and have
something to show or prove to
themselves. I know all of this may sound incredibly
obvious and should just be a given, but I
am constantly surprised by how many
people need to be reminded of this now
and then, including myself. My very long
point here is that every artist thinks they suck. During this time of thought,
always remember: You don't suck. You
just suck right now.:)
maybe I might have appreciated my
work a little more.
I always used to compare myself to
other artists that I would see, artists
much older than me, with the training and the experience I didn't have. It
didn't seem to matter to me where
they came from, just that they where
good, and I was not. If I had
understood at the time that someday,
with perseverance, study and practice, I too might be ask good as they, maybe I
might have worked a little harder,
studied a little more and not been so
down on myself. Now I look back on a lot
of the artists
who were my idols; their art saved to my ancient computer in my room at my
mom's house
for reference and inspiration. I realize;
they really weren't that good, some of
them were actually quite bad. At any
given time, even if your art sucks to you, or even thousands of other people,
it is amazing to someone and you are
inspiring someone else by sharing it with
them. If it seems like you are not
improving at
all, it is probably because you have stopped learning. When people draw
the same mistakes over and over, they
are simply practicing doing it wrong.
Simply "Practicing" is not enough. Take a
moment to study, learn to do it right,
even if it is hard, and messes you up now. It won't forever. This was a really
hard bridge to cross when I was young,
and stubborn, and lazy, and just wanted
to do what I felt like at the time. Now I
can't wait to learn and study something
new. This attitude and willingness to follow through has let me improve very
quickly in a relatively short period of time
for doing so. Just remember, nothing
happens overnight. It will always seem a
bit slow, but keep going, and don't be
afraid to look at your older works when you're having lows. You don't notice
your hair grow, but you can sure see
the difference if you look at pictures of
yourself months or years after your last
cut. No one stops improving for no
reason, do not accept "just because" as an answer. As soon as you accept a
perceived limitation as a fact of your
artistic life, it will become so. People often
tell me they can't get
better, that their art isn't changing, and
when I look at their stuff, I again see, not only that they might be practicing
the same mistakes, but that they are
simply practicing different variations of the
same thing. This may seem a bit
strange from someone who has made a
living doing portraits, but what a lot of people don't know is that this is a very
small part of who I am and what I do as
an artist. Do something new. Try a
different style. Try a subject you would
have never drawn before and learn to
appreciate something you might not have. Do you rely on your CG to make
your art look nice? Just sketch. Sketch
until your sketches please you just as
much. Just draw heads? Draw a full
body. Just draw people standing there?
Draw an action sequence. Swear to yourself that your next 10 drawings will
not be what your previous 50 were.
Finish something you might not finish
because it's just too hard, or learn to let
go of something you spent a lot of time
on that isn't going to work. Nothing is a waste of time, even if it ends up in your
trash bin, where 9 out of 10 of my
pictures go. Something people who are
not artists
don't understand, and even many
starting artists, is that art is not a 'gift'. People are no more born artists as they
are born Olympic gymnasts. It takes
years of time, dedication, study and hard
work. It takes mental focus,
toning, endurance, physical and mental
co-ordination, aim and understanding. I practice drawing a minimum of 5 hours a
day, every day, not including time to
study, wherever I am. Immediate
gratification is not a
reasonable expectation of a dedicated
artist. Art is not a competition. If all you do is work to please everyone else, you
will never achieve the gratification and
inspiration it gives to those who do art
because they love to do it and have
something to show or prove to
themselves. I know all of this may sound incredibly
obvious and should just be a given, but I
am constantly surprised by how many
people need to be reminded of this now
and then, including myself. My very long
point here is that every artist thinks they suck. During this time of thought,
always remember: You don't suck. You
just suck right now.:)
Sunday 1 May 2011
Thursday 21 April 2011
Pray for U
Tangled within heaven's gilded lies,
you sleep choking on the decay of
a thousand perfumed promises.
You are a wild fire: something crazed,
something feral, something dying
slowly with every poisoned breath.
You are dissolving as fast as you're
forming, leaving silt and cells strewn
haphazardly in your saltwater wake.
You are a supernova: igniting the skies,
setting the constellations aflame with
the final beat of your unruly heart and you are nothing more than a
simple maiden wading into the
murky waters of my destruction.
You are nothing more than a foolish
girl attempting to sing hymns that
will lull my demons to sleep you see, you are trusting i have the
strength to hold your continents
together when you are falling apart.
I am hoping i have the faith
to keep your soul from eroding
when i am frayed and fading i am closing my eyes, opening my heart
and
i am praying i can save you from yourself
i am praying i can save you
i am praying.
you sleep choking on the decay of
a thousand perfumed promises.
You are a wild fire: something crazed,
something feral, something dying
slowly with every poisoned breath.
You are dissolving as fast as you're
forming, leaving silt and cells strewn
haphazardly in your saltwater wake.
You are a supernova: igniting the skies,
setting the constellations aflame with
the final beat of your unruly heart and you are nothing more than a
simple maiden wading into the
murky waters of my destruction.
You are nothing more than a foolish
girl attempting to sing hymns that
will lull my demons to sleep you see, you are trusting i have the
strength to hold your continents
together when you are falling apart.
I am hoping i have the faith
to keep your soul from eroding
when i am frayed and fading i am closing my eyes, opening my heart
and
i am praying i can save you from yourself
i am praying i can save you
i am praying.
Friday 15 April 2011
What my life revolves around.
The 48 Laws of Power
Law 1 Never Outshine the Master Always make those above you feel
comfortably superior. In your desire to
please or impress them, do not go too
far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity. Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power.
Law 2 Never put too Much Trust in Friends, Learn how to use Enemies Be wary of friends-they will betray you
more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend,because he has more to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from friends than
from enemies. If you have no enemies,
find a way to make them.
Law 3 Conceal your Intentions
Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. If they have no clue what you are up to, they cannot prepare a defense. Guide them far enough down the wrong path, envelope them in enough smoke, and by the time they realize your intentions, it will be too late.
Law 4 Always Say Less than Necessary When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in
control. Even if you are saying something banal, it will seem original if you make it vague, open-ended, and sphinxlike. Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.
Law 5 So Much Depends on Reputation – Guard it with your Life Reputation is the cornerstone of power.
Through reputation alone you can
intimidate and win; once you slip,
however, you are vulnerable, and will be attacked on all sides. Make your
reputation unassailable. Always be alert to potential attacks and thwart them before they happen. Meanwhile, learn to destroy your enemies by opening holes in their own reputations. Then stand aside
and let public opinion hang them.
Law 6 Court Attention at all Cost Everything is judged by its appearance;
what is unseen counts for nothing.
Never let yourself get lost in the crowd,
then, or buried in oblivion. Stand out. Be conspicuous, at all cost. Make yourself a magnet of attention by appearing larger, more colorful, more mysterious, than the
bland and timid masses.
Law 7 Get others to do the Work for you, but Always Take the Credit Use the wisdom, knowledge, and
legwork of other people to further your own cause. Not only will such assistance save you valuable time and energy, it will give you a godlike aura of efficiency and speed. In the end your helpers will be forgotten and you will be remembered.
Never do yourself what others can do for you.
Law 8 Make other People come to you – use Bait if Necessary When you force the other person to act,
you are the one in control. It is always
better to make your opponent come to
you, abandoning his own plans in the
process. Lure him with fabulous gains
then attack. You hold the cards.
Law 9 Win through your Actions, Never through Argument Any momentary triumph you think gained
through argument is really a Pyrrhic
victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions,without saying a word. Demonstrate, do
not explicate.
Law 10 Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky You can die from someone else’s misery – emotional states are as infectious as disease. You may feel you are helping
the drowning man but you are only
precipitating your own disaster. The
unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.
Law 11 Learn to Keep People Dependent on You To maintain your independence you
must always be needed and wanted.
The more you are relied on, the more
freedom you have. Make people depend on you for their happiness and prosperity and you have nothing to fear. Never teach them enough so that they can do without you.
Law 12 Use Selective Honesty and Generosity to Disarm your Victim One sincere and honest move will cover
over dozens of dishonest ones. Open-
hearted gestures of honesty and
generosity bring down the guard of even the most suspicious people. Once your selective honesty opens a hole in their armor, you can deceive and manipulate them at will. A timely gift – a Trojan horse – will serve the same purpose.
Law 13 When Asking for Help, Appeal to People’s Self-Interest, Never to their Mercy or Gratitude If you need to turn to an ally for help, do not bother to remind him of your past assistance and good deeds. He will find a
way to ignore you. Instead, uncover
something in your request, or in your
alliance with him, that will benefit him, and emphasize it out of all proportion. He will respond enthusiastically when he
sees something to be gained for himself.
Law 14 Pose as a Friend, Work as a Spy Knowing about your rival is critical. Use
spies to gather valuable information that will keep you a step ahead. Better still:
Play the spy yourself. In polite social
encounters, learn to probe. Ask indirect questions to get people to reveal their weaknesses and intentions. There is no occasion that is not an opportunity for artful spying.
Law 15 Crush your Enemy Totally All great leaders since Moses have known
that a feared enemy must be crushed
completely. (Sometimes they have
learned this the hard way.) If one ember
is left alight, no matter how dimly it
smolders, a fire will eventually break out. More is lost through stopping halfway
than through total annihilation: The
enemy will recover, and will seek
revenge. Crush him, not only in body but
in spirit.
Law 16 Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor Too much circulation makes the price go
down: The more you are seen and heard
from, the more common you appear. If
you are already established in a group,
temporary withdrawal from it will make
you more talked about, even more admired. You must learn when to leave.
Create value through scarcity.
Law 17 Keep Others in Suspended Terror: Cultivate an Air of Unpredictability Humans are creatures of habit with an
insatiable need to see familiarity in other
people’s actions. Your predictability gives them a sense of control. Turn the tables:
Be deliberately unpredictable. Behavior
that seems to have no consistency or
purpose will keep them off-balance, and
they will wear themselves out trying to
explain your moves. Taken to an extreme, this strategy can intimidate and
terrorize.
Law 18 Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself – Isolation is Dangerous The world is dangerous and enemies are
everywhere – everyone has to protect themselves. A fortress seems the safest.
But isolation exposes you to more
dangers than it protects you from – it cuts you off from valuable information, it
makes you conspicuous and an easy
target. Better to circulate among people
find allies, mingle. You are shielded from
your enemies by the crowd.
Law 19 Know Who You’re Dealing with – Do Not Offend the Wrong Person There are many different kinds of people
in the world, and you can never assume
that everyone will react to your
strategies in the same way. Deceive or
outmaneuver some people and they will
spend the rest of their lives seeking revenge. They are wolves in lambs’ clothing. Choose your victims and
opponents carefully, then – never offend or deceive the wrong person. Law 20 Do Not Commit to Anyone It is the fool who always rushes to take
sides. Do not commit to any side or
cause but yourself. By maintaining your
independence, you become the master
of others – playing people against one another, making them pursue you. Law 21 Play a Sucker to Catch a Sucker – Seem Dumber than your Mark No one likes feeling stupider than the
next persons. The trick, is to make your
victims feel smart – and not just smart, but smarter than you are. Once
convinced of this, they will never suspect
that you may have ulterior motives. Law 22 Use the Surrender Tactic: Transform Weakness into Power When you are weaker, never fight for
honor’s sake; choose surrender instead. Surrender gives you time to recover,
time to torment and irritate your
conqueror, time to wait for his power to
wane. Do not give him the satisfaction of
fighting and defeating you – surrender first. By turning the other check you
infuriate and unsettle him. Make
surrender a tool of power.
Law 23 Concentrate Your Forces Conserve your forces and energies by
keeping them concentrated at their
strongest point. You gain more by
finding a rich mine and mining it deeper,
than by flitting from one shallow mine to
another – intensity defeats extensity every time. When looking for sources of
power to elevate you, find the one key
patron, the fat cow who will give you
milk for a long time to come.
Law 24 Play the Perfect Courtier The perfect courtier thrives in a world
where everything revolves around power
and political dexterity. He has mastered
the art of indirection; he flatters, yields
to superiors, and asserts power over
others in the mot oblique and graceful manner. Learn and apply the laws of
courtiership and there will be no limit to
how far you can rise in the court.
Law 25 Re-Create Yourself Do not accept the roles that society
foists on you. Re-create yourself by
forging a new identity, one that
commands attention and never bores
the audience. Be the master of your
own image rather than letting others define if for you. Incorporate dramatic
devices into your public gestures and
actions – your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than
life.
Law 26 Keep Your Hands Clean You must seem a paragon of civility and
efficiency: Your hands are never soiled by
mistakes and nasty deeds. Maintain such
a spotless appearance by using others as
scapegoats and cat’s-paws to disguise your involvement.
Law 27 Play on People’s Need to Believe to Create a Cultlike Following People have an overwhelming desire to
believe in something. Become the focal
point of such desire by offering them a
cause, a new faith to follow. Keep your
words vague but full of promise;
emphasize enthusiasm over rationality and clear thinking. Give your new
disciples rituals to perform, ask them to
make sacrifices on your behalf. In the
absence of organized religion and grand
causes, your new belief system will bring
you untold power.
Law 28 Enter Action with Boldness If you are unsure of a course of action,
do not attempt it. Your doubts and
hesitations will infect your execution.
Timidity is dangerous: Better to enter
with boldness. Any mistakes you commit
through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires
the bold; no one honors the timid. Law 29 Plan All the Way to the End The ending is everything. Plan all the
way to it, taking into account all the
possible consequences, obstacles, and
twists of fortune that might reverse your
hard work and give the glory to others.
By planning to the end you will not be overwhelmed by circumstances and you
will know when to stop. Gently guide
fortune and help determine the future
by thinking far ahead.
Law 30 Make your Accomplishments Seem Effortless Your actions must seem natural and
executed with ease. All the toil and
practice that go into them, and also all
the clever tricks, must be concealed.
When you act, act effortlessly, as if you
could do much more. Avoid the temptation of revealing how hard you
work – it only raises questions. Teach no one your tricks or they will be used
against you.
Law 31 Control the Options: Get Others to Play with the Cards you Deal The best deceptions are the ones that
seem to give the other person a choice:
Your victims feel they are in control, but
are actually your puppets. Give people
options that come out in your favor
whichever one they choose. Force them to make choices between the lesser of
two evils, both of which serve your
purpose. Put them on the horns of a
dilemma: They are gored wherever they
turn.
Law 32 Play to People’s Fantasies The truth is often avoided because it is
ugly and unpleasant. Never appeal to
truth and reality unless you are prepared
for the anger that comes for
disenchantment. Life is so harsh and
distressing that people who can manufacture romance or conjure up
fantasy are like oases in the desert:
Everyone flocks to them. There is great
power in tapping into the fantasies of
the masses.
Law 33 Discover Each Man’s Thumbscrew Everyone has a weakness, a gap in the
castle wall. That weakness is usual y an
insecurity, an uncontrollable emotion or
need; it can also be a small secret
pleasure. Either way, once found, it is a
thumbscrew you can turn to your advantage.
Law 34 Be Royal in your Own Fashion: Act like a King to be treated like one The way you carry yourself will often
determine how you are treated; In the
long run, appearing vulgar or common will
make people disrespect you. For a king
respects himself and inspires the same
sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make
yourself seem destined to wear a crown.
Law 35 Master the Art of Timing Never seem to be in a hurry – hurrying betrays a lack of control over yourself,
and over time. Always seem patient, as if
you know that everything will come to
you eventually. Become a detective of
the right moment; sniff out the spirit of
the times, the trends that will carry you to power. Learn to stand back when the
time is not yet ripe, and to strike fiercely
when it has reached fruition.
Law 36 Disdain Things you cannot have: Ignoring them is the best Revenge By acknowledging a petty problem you
give it existence and credibility. The
more attention you pay an enemy, the
stronger you make him; and a small
mistake is often made worse and more
visible when you try to fix it. It is sometimes best to leave things alone. If
there is something you want but cannot
have, show contempt for it. The less
interest you reveal, the more superior
you seem.
Law 37 Create Compelling Spectacles Striking imagery and grand symbolic
gestures create the aura of power – everyone responds to them. Stage
spectacles for those around you, then
full of arresting visuals and radiant
symbols that heighten your presence.
Dazzled by appearances, no one will
notice what you are really doing.
Law 38 Think as you like but Behave like others If you make a show of going against the
times, flaunting your unconventional
ideas and unorthodox ways, people will
think that you only want attention and
that you look down upon them. They
will find a way to punish you for making them feel inferior. It is far safer to blend
in and nurture the common touch. Share
your originality only with tolerant friends
and those who are sure to appreciate
your uniqueness.
Law 39 Stir up Waters to Catch Fish Anger and emotion are strategically
counterproductive. You must always stay
calm and objective. But if you can make
your enemies angry while staying calm
yourself, you gain a decided advantage.
Put your enemies off-balance: Find the chink in their vanity through which you
can rattle them and you hold the strings.
Law 40 Despise the Free Lunch What is offered for free is dangerous – it usually involves either a trick or a hidden
obligation. What has worth is worth
paying for. By paying your own way you
stay clear of gratitude, guilt, and deceit.
It is also often wise to pay the full price – there is no cutting corners with
excellence. Be lavish with your money
and keep it circulating, for generosity is a
sign and a magnet for power.
Law 41 Avoid Stepping into a Great Man’s Shoes What happens first always appears better
and more original than what comes after.
If you succeed a great man or have a
famous parent, you will have to
accomplish double their achievements to
outshine them. Do not get lost in their shadow, or stuck in a past not of your
own making: Establish your own name
and identity by changing course. Slay the
overbearing father, disparage his legacy,
and gain power by shining in your own
way.
Law 42 Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep will Scatter Trouble can often be traced to a single
strong individual – the stirrer, the arrogant underling, the poisoned of
goodwill. If you allow such people room
to operate, others will succumb to their
influence. Do not wait for the troubles
they cause to multiply, do not try to
negotiate with them – they are irredeemable. Neutralize their influence
by isolating or banishing them. Strike at
the source of the trouble and the sheep
will scatter.
Law 43 Work on the Hearts and Minds of Others Coercion creates a reaction that will
eventually work against you. You must
seduce others into wanting to move in
your direction. A person you have
seduced becomes your loyal pawn. And
the way to seduce others is to operate on their individual psychologies and
weaknesses. Soften up the resistant by
working on their emotions, playing on
what they hold dear and what they fear.
Ignore the hearts and minds of others
and they will grow to hate you. Law 44 Disarm and Infuriate with the Mirror Effect The mirror reflects reality, but it is also
the perfect tool for deception: When
you mirror your enemies, doing exactly as
they do, they cannot figure out your
strategy. The Mirror Effect mocks and
humiliates them, making them overreact. By holding up a mirror to their psyches,
you seduce them with the illusion that
you share their values; by holding up a
mirror to their actions, you teach them a
lesson. Few can resist the power of
Mirror Effect.
Law 45 Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform too much at Once Everyone understands the need for
change in the abstract, but on the day-
to-day level people are creatures of
habit. Too much innovation is traumatic,
and will lead to revolt. If you are new to
a position of power, or an outsider trying to build a power base, make a show of
respecting the old way of doing things. If
change is necessary, make it feel like a
gentle improvement on the past.
Law 46 Never appear too Perfect Appearing better than others is always
dangerous, but most dangerous of all is
to appear to have no faults or
weaknesses. Envy creates silent enemies.
It is smart to occasionally display defects,
and admit to harmless vices, in order to deflect envy and appear more human
and approachable. Only gods and the
dead can seem perfect with impunity. Law 47 Do not go Past the Mark you Aimed for; In Victory, Learn when to Stop The moment of victory is often the
moment of greatest peril. In the heat of
victory, arrogance and overconfidence
can push you past the goal you had
aimed for, and by going too far, you
make more enemies than you defeat. Do not allow success to go to your head.
There is no substitute for strategy and
careful planning. Set a goal, and when
you reach it, stop.
Law 48 Assume Formlessness By taking a shape, by having a visible
plan, you open yourself to attack.
Instead of taking a form for your enemy
to grasp, keep yourself adaptable and on
the move. Accept the fact that nothing
is certain and no law is fixed. The best way to protect yourself is to be as fluid
and formless as water; never bet on
stability or lasting order. Everything
changes.
Law 1 Never Outshine the Master Always make those above you feel
comfortably superior. In your desire to
please or impress them, do not go too
far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite – inspire fear and insecurity. Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power.
Law 2 Never put too Much Trust in Friends, Learn how to use Enemies Be wary of friends-they will betray you
more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend,because he has more to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from friends than
from enemies. If you have no enemies,
find a way to make them.
Law 3 Conceal your Intentions
Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. If they have no clue what you are up to, they cannot prepare a defense. Guide them far enough down the wrong path, envelope them in enough smoke, and by the time they realize your intentions, it will be too late.
Law 4 Always Say Less than Necessary When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in
control. Even if you are saying something banal, it will seem original if you make it vague, open-ended, and sphinxlike. Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.
Law 5 So Much Depends on Reputation – Guard it with your Life Reputation is the cornerstone of power.
Through reputation alone you can
intimidate and win; once you slip,
however, you are vulnerable, and will be attacked on all sides. Make your
reputation unassailable. Always be alert to potential attacks and thwart them before they happen. Meanwhile, learn to destroy your enemies by opening holes in their own reputations. Then stand aside
and let public opinion hang them.
Law 6 Court Attention at all Cost Everything is judged by its appearance;
what is unseen counts for nothing.
Never let yourself get lost in the crowd,
then, or buried in oblivion. Stand out. Be conspicuous, at all cost. Make yourself a magnet of attention by appearing larger, more colorful, more mysterious, than the
bland and timid masses.
Law 7 Get others to do the Work for you, but Always Take the Credit Use the wisdom, knowledge, and
legwork of other people to further your own cause. Not only will such assistance save you valuable time and energy, it will give you a godlike aura of efficiency and speed. In the end your helpers will be forgotten and you will be remembered.
Never do yourself what others can do for you.
Law 8 Make other People come to you – use Bait if Necessary When you force the other person to act,
you are the one in control. It is always
better to make your opponent come to
you, abandoning his own plans in the
process. Lure him with fabulous gains
then attack. You hold the cards.
Law 9 Win through your Actions, Never through Argument Any momentary triumph you think gained
through argument is really a Pyrrhic
victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions,without saying a word. Demonstrate, do
not explicate.
Law 10 Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky You can die from someone else’s misery – emotional states are as infectious as disease. You may feel you are helping
the drowning man but you are only
precipitating your own disaster. The
unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.
Law 11 Learn to Keep People Dependent on You To maintain your independence you
must always be needed and wanted.
The more you are relied on, the more
freedom you have. Make people depend on you for their happiness and prosperity and you have nothing to fear. Never teach them enough so that they can do without you.
Law 12 Use Selective Honesty and Generosity to Disarm your Victim One sincere and honest move will cover
over dozens of dishonest ones. Open-
hearted gestures of honesty and
generosity bring down the guard of even the most suspicious people. Once your selective honesty opens a hole in their armor, you can deceive and manipulate them at will. A timely gift – a Trojan horse – will serve the same purpose.
Law 13 When Asking for Help, Appeal to People’s Self-Interest, Never to their Mercy or Gratitude If you need to turn to an ally for help, do not bother to remind him of your past assistance and good deeds. He will find a
way to ignore you. Instead, uncover
something in your request, or in your
alliance with him, that will benefit him, and emphasize it out of all proportion. He will respond enthusiastically when he
sees something to be gained for himself.
Law 14 Pose as a Friend, Work as a Spy Knowing about your rival is critical. Use
spies to gather valuable information that will keep you a step ahead. Better still:
Play the spy yourself. In polite social
encounters, learn to probe. Ask indirect questions to get people to reveal their weaknesses and intentions. There is no occasion that is not an opportunity for artful spying.
Law 15 Crush your Enemy Totally All great leaders since Moses have known
that a feared enemy must be crushed
completely. (Sometimes they have
learned this the hard way.) If one ember
is left alight, no matter how dimly it
smolders, a fire will eventually break out. More is lost through stopping halfway
than through total annihilation: The
enemy will recover, and will seek
revenge. Crush him, not only in body but
in spirit.
Law 16 Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor Too much circulation makes the price go
down: The more you are seen and heard
from, the more common you appear. If
you are already established in a group,
temporary withdrawal from it will make
you more talked about, even more admired. You must learn when to leave.
Create value through scarcity.
Law 17 Keep Others in Suspended Terror: Cultivate an Air of Unpredictability Humans are creatures of habit with an
insatiable need to see familiarity in other
people’s actions. Your predictability gives them a sense of control. Turn the tables:
Be deliberately unpredictable. Behavior
that seems to have no consistency or
purpose will keep them off-balance, and
they will wear themselves out trying to
explain your moves. Taken to an extreme, this strategy can intimidate and
terrorize.
Law 18 Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself – Isolation is Dangerous The world is dangerous and enemies are
everywhere – everyone has to protect themselves. A fortress seems the safest.
But isolation exposes you to more
dangers than it protects you from – it cuts you off from valuable information, it
makes you conspicuous and an easy
target. Better to circulate among people
find allies, mingle. You are shielded from
your enemies by the crowd.
Law 19 Know Who You’re Dealing with – Do Not Offend the Wrong Person There are many different kinds of people
in the world, and you can never assume
that everyone will react to your
strategies in the same way. Deceive or
outmaneuver some people and they will
spend the rest of their lives seeking revenge. They are wolves in lambs’ clothing. Choose your victims and
opponents carefully, then – never offend or deceive the wrong person. Law 20 Do Not Commit to Anyone It is the fool who always rushes to take
sides. Do not commit to any side or
cause but yourself. By maintaining your
independence, you become the master
of others – playing people against one another, making them pursue you. Law 21 Play a Sucker to Catch a Sucker – Seem Dumber than your Mark No one likes feeling stupider than the
next persons. The trick, is to make your
victims feel smart – and not just smart, but smarter than you are. Once
convinced of this, they will never suspect
that you may have ulterior motives. Law 22 Use the Surrender Tactic: Transform Weakness into Power When you are weaker, never fight for
honor’s sake; choose surrender instead. Surrender gives you time to recover,
time to torment and irritate your
conqueror, time to wait for his power to
wane. Do not give him the satisfaction of
fighting and defeating you – surrender first. By turning the other check you
infuriate and unsettle him. Make
surrender a tool of power.
Law 23 Concentrate Your Forces Conserve your forces and energies by
keeping them concentrated at their
strongest point. You gain more by
finding a rich mine and mining it deeper,
than by flitting from one shallow mine to
another – intensity defeats extensity every time. When looking for sources of
power to elevate you, find the one key
patron, the fat cow who will give you
milk for a long time to come.
Law 24 Play the Perfect Courtier The perfect courtier thrives in a world
where everything revolves around power
and political dexterity. He has mastered
the art of indirection; he flatters, yields
to superiors, and asserts power over
others in the mot oblique and graceful manner. Learn and apply the laws of
courtiership and there will be no limit to
how far you can rise in the court.
Law 25 Re-Create Yourself Do not accept the roles that society
foists on you. Re-create yourself by
forging a new identity, one that
commands attention and never bores
the audience. Be the master of your
own image rather than letting others define if for you. Incorporate dramatic
devices into your public gestures and
actions – your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than
life.
Law 26 Keep Your Hands Clean You must seem a paragon of civility and
efficiency: Your hands are never soiled by
mistakes and nasty deeds. Maintain such
a spotless appearance by using others as
scapegoats and cat’s-paws to disguise your involvement.
Law 27 Play on People’s Need to Believe to Create a Cultlike Following People have an overwhelming desire to
believe in something. Become the focal
point of such desire by offering them a
cause, a new faith to follow. Keep your
words vague but full of promise;
emphasize enthusiasm over rationality and clear thinking. Give your new
disciples rituals to perform, ask them to
make sacrifices on your behalf. In the
absence of organized religion and grand
causes, your new belief system will bring
you untold power.
Law 28 Enter Action with Boldness If you are unsure of a course of action,
do not attempt it. Your doubts and
hesitations will infect your execution.
Timidity is dangerous: Better to enter
with boldness. Any mistakes you commit
through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires
the bold; no one honors the timid. Law 29 Plan All the Way to the End The ending is everything. Plan all the
way to it, taking into account all the
possible consequences, obstacles, and
twists of fortune that might reverse your
hard work and give the glory to others.
By planning to the end you will not be overwhelmed by circumstances and you
will know when to stop. Gently guide
fortune and help determine the future
by thinking far ahead.
Law 30 Make your Accomplishments Seem Effortless Your actions must seem natural and
executed with ease. All the toil and
practice that go into them, and also all
the clever tricks, must be concealed.
When you act, act effortlessly, as if you
could do much more. Avoid the temptation of revealing how hard you
work – it only raises questions. Teach no one your tricks or they will be used
against you.
Law 31 Control the Options: Get Others to Play with the Cards you Deal The best deceptions are the ones that
seem to give the other person a choice:
Your victims feel they are in control, but
are actually your puppets. Give people
options that come out in your favor
whichever one they choose. Force them to make choices between the lesser of
two evils, both of which serve your
purpose. Put them on the horns of a
dilemma: They are gored wherever they
turn.
Law 32 Play to People’s Fantasies The truth is often avoided because it is
ugly and unpleasant. Never appeal to
truth and reality unless you are prepared
for the anger that comes for
disenchantment. Life is so harsh and
distressing that people who can manufacture romance or conjure up
fantasy are like oases in the desert:
Everyone flocks to them. There is great
power in tapping into the fantasies of
the masses.
Law 33 Discover Each Man’s Thumbscrew Everyone has a weakness, a gap in the
castle wall. That weakness is usual y an
insecurity, an uncontrollable emotion or
need; it can also be a small secret
pleasure. Either way, once found, it is a
thumbscrew you can turn to your advantage.
Law 34 Be Royal in your Own Fashion: Act like a King to be treated like one The way you carry yourself will often
determine how you are treated; In the
long run, appearing vulgar or common will
make people disrespect you. For a king
respects himself and inspires the same
sentiment in others. By acting regally and confident of your powers, you make
yourself seem destined to wear a crown.
Law 35 Master the Art of Timing Never seem to be in a hurry – hurrying betrays a lack of control over yourself,
and over time. Always seem patient, as if
you know that everything will come to
you eventually. Become a detective of
the right moment; sniff out the spirit of
the times, the trends that will carry you to power. Learn to stand back when the
time is not yet ripe, and to strike fiercely
when it has reached fruition.
Law 36 Disdain Things you cannot have: Ignoring them is the best Revenge By acknowledging a petty problem you
give it existence and credibility. The
more attention you pay an enemy, the
stronger you make him; and a small
mistake is often made worse and more
visible when you try to fix it. It is sometimes best to leave things alone. If
there is something you want but cannot
have, show contempt for it. The less
interest you reveal, the more superior
you seem.
Law 37 Create Compelling Spectacles Striking imagery and grand symbolic
gestures create the aura of power – everyone responds to them. Stage
spectacles for those around you, then
full of arresting visuals and radiant
symbols that heighten your presence.
Dazzled by appearances, no one will
notice what you are really doing.
Law 38 Think as you like but Behave like others If you make a show of going against the
times, flaunting your unconventional
ideas and unorthodox ways, people will
think that you only want attention and
that you look down upon them. They
will find a way to punish you for making them feel inferior. It is far safer to blend
in and nurture the common touch. Share
your originality only with tolerant friends
and those who are sure to appreciate
your uniqueness.
Law 39 Stir up Waters to Catch Fish Anger and emotion are strategically
counterproductive. You must always stay
calm and objective. But if you can make
your enemies angry while staying calm
yourself, you gain a decided advantage.
Put your enemies off-balance: Find the chink in their vanity through which you
can rattle them and you hold the strings.
Law 40 Despise the Free Lunch What is offered for free is dangerous – it usually involves either a trick or a hidden
obligation. What has worth is worth
paying for. By paying your own way you
stay clear of gratitude, guilt, and deceit.
It is also often wise to pay the full price – there is no cutting corners with
excellence. Be lavish with your money
and keep it circulating, for generosity is a
sign and a magnet for power.
Law 41 Avoid Stepping into a Great Man’s Shoes What happens first always appears better
and more original than what comes after.
If you succeed a great man or have a
famous parent, you will have to
accomplish double their achievements to
outshine them. Do not get lost in their shadow, or stuck in a past not of your
own making: Establish your own name
and identity by changing course. Slay the
overbearing father, disparage his legacy,
and gain power by shining in your own
way.
Law 42 Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep will Scatter Trouble can often be traced to a single
strong individual – the stirrer, the arrogant underling, the poisoned of
goodwill. If you allow such people room
to operate, others will succumb to their
influence. Do not wait for the troubles
they cause to multiply, do not try to
negotiate with them – they are irredeemable. Neutralize their influence
by isolating or banishing them. Strike at
the source of the trouble and the sheep
will scatter.
Law 43 Work on the Hearts and Minds of Others Coercion creates a reaction that will
eventually work against you. You must
seduce others into wanting to move in
your direction. A person you have
seduced becomes your loyal pawn. And
the way to seduce others is to operate on their individual psychologies and
weaknesses. Soften up the resistant by
working on their emotions, playing on
what they hold dear and what they fear.
Ignore the hearts and minds of others
and they will grow to hate you. Law 44 Disarm and Infuriate with the Mirror Effect The mirror reflects reality, but it is also
the perfect tool for deception: When
you mirror your enemies, doing exactly as
they do, they cannot figure out your
strategy. The Mirror Effect mocks and
humiliates them, making them overreact. By holding up a mirror to their psyches,
you seduce them with the illusion that
you share their values; by holding up a
mirror to their actions, you teach them a
lesson. Few can resist the power of
Mirror Effect.
Law 45 Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform too much at Once Everyone understands the need for
change in the abstract, but on the day-
to-day level people are creatures of
habit. Too much innovation is traumatic,
and will lead to revolt. If you are new to
a position of power, or an outsider trying to build a power base, make a show of
respecting the old way of doing things. If
change is necessary, make it feel like a
gentle improvement on the past.
Law 46 Never appear too Perfect Appearing better than others is always
dangerous, but most dangerous of all is
to appear to have no faults or
weaknesses. Envy creates silent enemies.
It is smart to occasionally display defects,
and admit to harmless vices, in order to deflect envy and appear more human
and approachable. Only gods and the
dead can seem perfect with impunity. Law 47 Do not go Past the Mark you Aimed for; In Victory, Learn when to Stop The moment of victory is often the
moment of greatest peril. In the heat of
victory, arrogance and overconfidence
can push you past the goal you had
aimed for, and by going too far, you
make more enemies than you defeat. Do not allow success to go to your head.
There is no substitute for strategy and
careful planning. Set a goal, and when
you reach it, stop.
Law 48 Assume Formlessness By taking a shape, by having a visible
plan, you open yourself to attack.
Instead of taking a form for your enemy
to grasp, keep yourself adaptable and on
the move. Accept the fact that nothing
is certain and no law is fixed. The best way to protect yourself is to be as fluid
and formless as water; never bet on
stability or lasting order. Everything
changes.
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